So I’ve given up watching TV. I’m not making some sort of noble cultural stand; I’m just physically tired of trying to watch TV at my house. I want a retro TV where there’s an “on/off switch” and a “dial” to physically turn the channels. And I only want channels 2, 4, 5, 7, 9 and 11.
Here’s the problem: I come home from a fairly long day at work…(of course I’ve had my mini Club Med trip back from the City on NJ Transit, so that helps) and all I want to do is inhale some food, and zone out in front of the TV. I’d prefer to watch something comical, maybe a repeat of Seinfeld or Cosby, nothing too challenging. Jeopardy makes me think too hard and then I not only get a headache, but I also feel bad about myself. They never seem to have a set of topics that fall into my wheelhouse (what my wheelhouse might be, I’m not exactly sure of). So I sit down on the couch, food in hand and with our user-friendly universal remote turn on the TV. It’s a 50/50 shot that the TV will come on. You see we have Verizon FIOS, a very simplistic home sounds system, and an extra capacity storage system for the numerous shows being taped on a 7 x 24 basis. The latest is an investment is a Blue Ray streaming gizmo that gets us some subset of Netflix I believe…but I can’t be sure of that. I’m not allowed to touch it. All I can tell you is I have an electric bill that rivals the city of Scranton’s. To get any kind of program to come on, you need to have a remote in each hand, and one in your mouth and then simultaneously execute a command set. I liken it to the sequence that has to happen to set off nuclear missiles.
Now let’s say I’m in luck and the TV actually comes on. But it happens to be on channel 551. Come on, channel 551? Of course there is a “Menu” button on one of the remotes. But it scrolls at the pace of a snail and by the time I get to what I want to watch I’m asleep. ( I’m a high energy person.) Considering the small fortune I pay Verizon each month, you’d think they’d have the ability to take the few channels I watch and congregate them into a manageable grouping that’s easy to remember. So let’s now say I’ve gotten to channel 337 and I’m happily watching an episode of the Three Stooges (again, I have very sophisticated tastes). The tray table is set up. I’ve reheated something desirable to inhale, Moe is poking Larry’s eyes out, and suddenly a warning block pops up in the lower right hand part of the screen. It says something to the effect that I have too many things taping and unless I turn off the TV in the next two minutes, all hell will break loose and there will be a meltdown of epic proportions. Really? I just want to watch a freaking TV show. Can that be so hard? I’m not asking for an Atom to be split here…I just want a little bit of graphic violence and to watch the Stooges in peace.
Now I’m thinking if I’m responsible for the cataclysmic destruction of the taping hierarchy…God forbid we miss what the Pretty Little Liars are doing next… my name will be mud and I’ll be wishing I were Larry Fine.
Family TV time is also fun. I’m referred to as the TV Ogre. So we’re watching a program, and we’re at the pinnacle of the episode. Either my wife or daughter will decide it’s time to pause the program and pontificate about what’s about to happen…or even more interesting, they just decides to discuss an activity of the day. I naturally lose it and say something that I’ll regret in a few seconds as I’m looked at with disdain and admonished for having no patience. My son is a lot more predictable. He needs either a drink or refresher of his snack at least four times during a 30 minute program. On the other hand if while my daughter is paging through the commercials at mach 9 and I happen to see a commercial or preview I find interesting, I need to petition the Supreme Court to have the rewind button hit. (I have lots to complain about in my life)
And the Piece of Resistance…I’m home alone, I’ve given up trying to watch TV for fear of being flogged for destroying the Tape Manifesto. I hit one of the off buttons and the TV goes into a game of cat and mouse with warnings and instructions popping up with suggestions on my next step. The only next step I’m thinking of is where to plant my size 11 shoe.
