I hate the saying, “Yesterday can’t
be changed. Let it go, move forward.”
Here’s why:
I’ve been a chronically bad sleeper
for years…actually decades. It’s the sole reason I changed all of my computer
passwords to “Cranky.”
What makes this crappy sleep
situation even more infuriating is that very uncharacteristically for me; I
actually tried to do something about it -12 years ago. You see back in 2004, I decided to pay a
dollar amount equal to the ransom of a low-end prince for one of the first,
“Sleep Number” beds. It was completely
embarrassing how much I paid for it, but I was hell bent on solving this
problem once and for all. My plan was to
throw at it, all of the latest technology that sleep science had to offer. In the store, the bed feels like I died and
went to heaven. And their pillows, they
cradle your head like nothing you’ve every felt. The pillows are the icing on this bed cake. Naturally, they cost extra which boggles my
mind considering the price of the bed.
But what would be the sense in getting this new hi-tech bed, and not
have these pillows. I rationalize that it’s
an extremely small price to pay for what is almost assuredly going to be a
near-orgasmic experience each time I hit the hay.
The bed shows up and the technician
assembles it. I notice a lot of plastic in
the construction. Also, there are two
rubber bladders that hold the air that can be adjusted to provide the level of
firmness you desire. I’m pretty sure
I’ve seen these air bladders in the swimming pool section at Target.
About two years in, I notice I have
a slow leak in my bed. Luckily, or maybe
unluckily, it’s only leaking on my side.
I’m now sleeping down in a gully.
I call the customer service line to get some help with the Cadillac of
beds that I own. My thought is that
considering the small fortune I paid, they’ll be quick to correct the
situation, gratis. I was mistaken. I’m told, that they’ll be more than happy to
send me the necessary “Parts”, after I pay for them; and that “I” could fix the
bed. I was silent for at least 20
seconds. I truly believed I was either
on candid camera, or I was being punk’d, again.
Neither situation was the case – I’m incredulous. I’m questioning, “Is it not true that I still
live in the United States of America?
And isn’t our motto still, “Justice for All”? Parts come, and after paying for some
technical help, the bed is back together.
Over the years, like 10 years, the
running joke in my family is that I sleep in the valley. That’s my side of the bed. Also many years ago the bed began to sag towards
the outside of the bed at the level of my shoulders - To the point where I
could roll off. After a halfhearted
review of the situation, I decided to roll up some old bath towels and insert
them between the mattress and box spring to prop up the edge. Problem somewhat solved. And the pillow that used to go everywhere
with me, it’s now a lumpy mess unable to hold its shape.
So for the last six months my sleep
situation has been especially bad. If I
go to bed at 10PM, I wake up around 1AM and then toss and turn for the next 5 hours
with lower back pain. It’s gotten to the
point where I dread heading upstairs to go to bed. Last week (after a decade) I decided
something needed to be done. First, I
heard about MyPillows.com and ordered two.
Then my wife and I went to a bed store.
I will not say the name, but I can tell you they are professionals. I had done my research with Consumer Reports
and was going back to a very highly rated standard coil and form mattress. The price seemed very reasonable. But as is usual the case, I walked out with a
mattress that cost 3X what I thought I’d be spending. I will say I did not do well on price, but
they must have had an over-abundance of sheets, gel-coats and pillows, because
we now have enough of these items to open a small bed and breakfast.
Just before our new bed is to
arrive today, we began to strip down the Sleep Number bed. The bed that was once my pride and joy. I notice lying on the ground, under where my
shoulders would be, is four-inch piece of industrial grade plastic. I decide to get on my back and look under the
bed to investigate. I can see that the
plastic box spring has cracked where one of the metal crossbeams of the bed
frame meets the box spring. This crack
and the missing plastic have caused the bed to be lower where my shoulders
would rest. It gets better: When the guys come with the new bed, they
first remove the old box springs. My
wife notices that the actual bed frame is connected to the headboard (only by
my head mind you) about three inches too low.
The bed frame is completely off kilter.
I’ve been sleeping (sort of) like this for over a decade. I’ll never get that sleep back…It’s
gone. My wife tries to console me
saying, “But how could you have known?”
In a state of complete disbelief in how I conduct my life, I reply in a
tone of angst and resignation saying, “How could I not have?”
So our new bed is freshly
installed and my wife and I are lying on our backs staring up at the
ceiling. My wife turns her head to talk
to me and with a very surprised look says, “What are you doing up here?”
