So as we’ve all read one of the major tenets of quarantine is to take the opportunity to get healthy. I had heard about the wonders of Celery juice, did some quick research and decided it would be an easy way to “cleanse” the body, improve my clarity, and do wonders for my complexion. Celery juice is also a natural anti-inflammatory which if you read the current medical journals, chronic inflammation is the cause of 99% of our aliments. I’m convinced I’ve found a miracle cure.
A little history - growing up I wrestled in high school. Celery was a main staple as we were told that it had negative calories. Also, we were told that the chewing motion of eating celery would burn off additional calories AS we got filled up – a win win! And if you fill a celery stalk with peanut butter, cream cheese or cake it with salt, it actually tastes pretty good. As much as it’s been a scary number of years since I graduated high school, this was still the culinary delight I expected.
This was not the case with celery juice. I completely misjudged. Celery, also known as “The Devil’s Vegetable” – is exactly what it tastes like. But before the gag-fest begins, you start your day with 24 oz. of lemon water (one lemon a day, cut up and squeeze it into glasses of water.) Fifteen minutes after the pucker fest, the Celery juice. I thought celery juice might be in the food store in a jar. It is not. Instead, I opted to go to the local Dean’s health food store and pay a ridiculous amount of money to have them make the poison for me. It takes a whole set of stalks to make the required 24 oz. of Celery juice. That’s a lot of celery to swallow. I liken it to the prep pack for a colonoscopy, with the same results. But yet another benefit of being quarantined in your home.
After gaging down the Celery juice you can’t have any animal or vegetable fats till about noon. The idea is to give your liver a chance to do it’s cleaning magic uninterrupted. So no bacon and eggs, no milk products… Just fruit or granola with no milk.. Oh and no coffee in the morning either. Not painting a pretty picture?…
Forgetting about the digestive mayhem this has caused, nobody told me that you’d feel like crap until after the fourth day. I naturally gave up after the forth day and moved to a place where Celery juice can’t be had. My wife on the other hand has kept up the regiment and rejoined me last week. Outside of her new Incredible Hulk-like complexion, which is freaking me out, she seems great.
