Over the past two summers, every other day I’d see two Spotted Lantern Flies (SLF) climbing up my back screen door. I’d usually bat about .500 in my attempts to terminate them. The morning after Hurricane Ida came through New Jersey, I walked out my front door to survey the damage. About nine feet from the front door is an old, large, five trunk white birch tree. Unfortunately for the tree and me, white birch sap to the spotted lantern fly is like a T-Bone steak to humans. Our tree was covered in them. If you walk past the tree, a number of these large flies will launch off the tree, as if they were spring-loaded and jump onto you. It feels like someone has thrown a hand full of nickels at your back. And here’s the problem. After a maniacal session of spotted lantern fly destruction where at least 20 have met their fate, I’ll come back ten minutes later and 40 more are on the tree. It’s almost as if they’re mocking me, which throws me back into my ninja warrior mode and hence begins this never ending circle of death that has become my life. Who knew retirement could be so fun.
So I did go to the Penn State web site for scientific solutions to the SLF infestation. They review a number of dangerous sounding chemicals that if applied incorrectly could cause that third horn to grow in. Accepting my non-existent patience level and knowing that I’m the last person that should be dealing with fire, electricity or dangerous chemicals for that matter, I’ve opted to ignore this option. They do describe in some detail, a “kit” you can build to catch said flies. After reviewing the 47 page master-plan document, I decided that given my personal limitations described above, that the kit would not be in the best interest of my sanity.
This leads us to the home remedy solution track. I’ve gone out and purchased two gallons of vinegar, one gallon of Pine Sol cleaner, and a bunch of dawn dish detergent. With concoction in a spray bottle attached to a garden hose, I’m up way too high on a latter dousing this tree every other day. My wife has not come near me in weeks. And the result: NADA! I think they’re gulping it down. I then breakdown and buy a roll of sticky fly paper. I’ve seen similar wraps around the neighborhood, but have been unimpressed with the results. But I’m desperate now and if someone told me to hire a witch doctor and run around your property naked, I’d do it. Well, it appears that I bought the industrial strength version of the sticky flypaper. All of my fingers were glued together for a while and I can tell you that scratching the top of my head was a big no-no. After wrapping all five tree trunks, they caught a total of seven SLFs. The only good thing the wrap did was catch regular flies, which were feeding in mass on the carcasses of the SLFs that I have killed. The smell is just fabulous – we’re having no problem with vampires.
Our neighborhood is about 40 years old and only on my side of the street do the houses still have white birches. And it’s only our side of the street where the spotted lantern flies are attacking. If I walk down my side of the street just about every neighbor will come out and either share a new twist to their SLF tale of woe, or provide a new piece of information on how to fight this enemy – often uncovered from a forbidden dark web site. Oddly, our neighbors across the street are oblivious to the SLF infestation. Some even deny there is a problem. This, after I’ve brought them on tours of my front yard where I explain in detail how I subdued armies of flies and show the carnage. Sadly, it could be that they won’t believe until my trees are finished and this plague moves on to their property.
For now, I’ve moved into acceptance mode. My SLF support group is very popular up in the Hills. Unfortunately I do occasionally fall off the wagon. And it’s during these rare, haunting times late at night where you can see a man, broom in hand, swinging wildly at trees.
