So we’ve had a small kitchen project (small in the sense that our kitchen is small) going on for 9 plus weeks and I’ve had enough. My patience is now like a gift card. Not sure how much is left on it, but we can give it a try. As I professionally raise my voice to the contractor I feel like the Pope who was yelling at Michelangelo as he was working on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel. Me/Pope: “When will you make an end of this!?!” My contractor/Mich’s response: “It will be done, when it is done.”
A combo convection oven / microware is part of our cadre of new appliances we now have. This seems counterintuitive as it comes with metal grates. And remembering as if it was yesterday, when I accidently left a baby fork in a microwave…sparks flying around as if it were a fourth of July fireworks show, I’m thinking how can this new combo be safe? I’ll never use this. Instead, in the dark of night I’ll go to Best Buy or PC Richards (where you can still potentially buy and take home a product) and purchase a toaster over and separately a microwave. I can’t have them shipped to the house because if they show up on the doorstep, my wife will take it as a personal affront, return the items and send me to purgatory but yet again. Seems her gift card is on empty these days too.
Also in the lineup is a new full oven. It’s an interesting creature. Raritan Valley Community College is going to be offering a class on how to communicate with it. You need a master in computer science to navigate the various levels of the command panel. It’s also quite vocal. When you wake up the beast, it makes the sound from Star Trek when Captain Kirk and his landing crew would beam down to a planet below. Only a lot louder. If Kirk was trying to scare the crap out of the people waiting for the landing party, he could use our oven. And when food is finished cooking it makes a very melodic ding noise. It’s the same noise that European subways emit when they’re making stops. I’m waiting for a British voice to say, “Mind the Gap.” And the oven takes a while to cool down. While it’s in this cool down mode, it sounds like a toilet that is stuck in flush mode. I find myself continually getting up to check the bathroom.
We have a new electric cooktop. We had an electric one before, but it was vintage 80s gear and was probably days away from burning our house down. This new cooktop is a single piece of glass and it doesn’t matter where you place a pot or pan on it…it will heat that spot. A little scary, right? But to be clear, that scary cooktop magic will only happen if you’re using your new, read expensive pots and pans designed for such a cooktop. If you try to use your existing pots and pans (like I would do) you won’t even be able to warm soup. I will not be going near this appliance either. It has “accident waiting to happen” written all over it. We’re going to need to put a special paws off training class together for the cat…the same cat that clawed my face last month. Hmmm, might need to put that class on the back burner ;-}
We found out the hard way that the old style circular shutoff water valves currently installed in our house are no longer used because they rust and leak. We now have a number of leaks in our basement. Luckily we have plenty of pots no longer in use. I won’t be touching the new hi-powered dishwasher either.
And the piece of resistance: I’ve had an industrial size dumpster that takes up both sides of my driveway for over nine weeks. And to contrast the dumpster, I also have a wonderfully odiferous port-a-potty planted up against my front garden…no pun intended. Recently local neighborhood workers have been knocking on my door asking to use the port-a-potty. (I kid you not) I’m thinking of converting it into a pay port-a-potty and make a little cash on the side. The neighbors are loving the view. We’ve become the pariah of the neighborhood. No threats yet, but with the constant dirty looks I get, they can’t be far off. One neighbor suggested I paint the port-a-potty something bright and metallic. He said, “It’ll make the port-a-potty…POP!” I told him Thanks, but I’ll pass on a popping port-a-potty.
