Let me start by saying I really love cats and dogs, even though I’ve been attacked by both species multiple times. Word to the wise: unless you’re a couple of steps away from a door leading to safety, never try to run away. Same goes for black bears, which are again moving into our neighborhoods. Black bears might bluff-charge you, trying to get you to leave your food behind, but occasionally they will attack. A couple of years back when I was preparing to try hiking a section of the AT, I read a manual about it. The phrase they used was, “If the black bear does attack, fight for all you’re worth.” I only needed to read that once, and I immediately returned to the sporting goods store to exchange my small can of pepper spray for the extra-large size.
It’s tricky to sense when your relationship with a cat has gone temporarily south. I heard a good way of describing how they feel about you. It goes something like this: “I Love You, I Love You, I Love You, I HATE YOU!” And with that, it’s time to protect your face. Lest we forget, cats are carnivores.
Having said all this, I’ve owned a number of absolutely great dogs and cats, all were clearly above me on my family hierarchy. Unfortunately, a couple of months ago, our dog (who was one chromosome away from being human), suddenly got sick and passed away - it hurt. But my wife and I had agreed that once he was gone, that would be the end of our pet ownership days. And being that I’m currently in the bonus round of life, picking up eighty pounds of animal isn’t as easy as it used to be, I felt this was a reasonable position to take.
My wife had other plans. Through that wonderful facility called social media, she found herself drawn to a plethora of cat and dog sites to follow. At least twice a day, I was given updates on various carnivores and omnivores that were available for adoption. I began to feel like Captain Kirk on the Starship Enterprise, when he’s surrounded by enemy ships all firing missiles at him. He has the protective shields up, but the chief engineer continually informs Kirk how much longer the shields will hold before they’ll be blown to bits and Kirk will need to adopt a cat or dog.
My wife is an extremely charming individual; some, like me, might say cunning. She really wanted another dog, but knew that my shields might be impervious to such attacks. So, she focused on the largest cat she could adopt. She found a cat breed called a Maine-Coon (sometimes pronounced Man-Coon). This is the largest breed in the domestic cat family. Some call it the Newfoundland of the cat breeds. Well maybe if a Newfie was bred with a Brontosaurus. These cats can weigh 400 pounds (that figure might be a slight exaggeration) and have claws that would make the Marvel character, Wolverine jealous.
My wife has found an available cat and shows me a picture. I was expecting to see a cute kitten. Instead, it was like someone had slipped a picture of the Frankenstein monster in front of me. Luckily, I was able to control my gasp and thankfully I didn’t have a mouthful of food. My wife, more tells me than asks me, “Isn’t she cute!?” I was still in the “stun stage” and the best response I could come up with was: She’s a handsome cat, if not a bit frightening. No lie, she looks like an angry male African Lion. I pray she’s not one of those cats that wakes you in the morning by sitting on your chest and poking you in the face. If that’s the case, I’m going to need to start buy Depends sooner than I’d like.
I’m told this particular cat, at three years old will be a bargain. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard, “We’re getting a free cat!” There should be a rule: The word free and the word cat should never be in the same sentence. This cat currently lives about one hundred miles north in upstate New York. Just to start, with the price of gas and the cost of a new steel reinforced cage, I’m going for at least a C-note. When I asked what the cat’s personality is like, I was told the owner said the cat is surly. That was the nicest thing she could say about a cat that ate its siblings. My wife was told to never run out of a fresh supply of roaster chickens. It’s clear, I’m going to need to learn how to sleep with one eye open.
The current owner wanted to know what kind of environment her cat would be moving into, as she currently likes to look out into the woods at the forest animals. (I’m not sure if she’s a guard cat or not, but someone is going to need to warn our black bear population that a new T-Rex has moved into the neighborhood.) We do have some woods behind our house and a couple of bird feeders that squirrels, deer and the birds share. I reminded by wife that none of the glass in our house is shatter proof. I hope to be around for future posts. And I’m writing this while my wife is away…she scares me, too.
