How I Got a Cat for Father's Day

So its Father’s Day and we decided to head to the local farm/garden center and pick up some ‘Shrubbery” to plant.  It’s a big place and you can easily lose family members as you check out the farm animals, plants, trees, and their store.  But I’m leading the charge.  We’re going to get in and get out.  As we’re walking down a path, there are two young teen-age girls and they have a box of kittens.  The box actually says “Free Kittens.”  I turned and looked at them, and as I did, I unintentionally blocked my family from seeing them.

Then in what can only be described as a complete breakdown in mental capacity, I said to my wife, “Hey Joanie, look, a box of kittens.”  Sometimes things happen in your life that can actually enable you to measure the speed of light.   At the exact moment I finished speaking, my senses came roaring back.  I tried to grab the air that my words were floating off on and jam them back down my throat.  After that the next hour became a senseless blur.  The only thing I can remember is saying the word “No” about sixty thousand times as my wife and kids rushed over to the box.  For a short time I thought I was going to be stuck starting my own cat farm.

They picked out one male black cat “kitten.”  For the next 19 minutes I said, “No” in every conceivable way.  By the 20^th minute we owned a “Free” cat.  That was the first of many lies about Jack the Cat.  Our first vet bill addressed the “Free” notion.  Then there was the 20 minutes of promises that my kids made about taking care of the cat.  You won’t have to do a thing Dad…..HA!

I never owned a cat, but what I learned is that you really can’t, or shouldn’t play with them like puppies.  My wife warned me, but of course I knew better.  Yes puppies have sharp teeth, but nothing compared to cats.  And then with cats you have the ever popular “Wolverine” feature where their claws become weapons of mass destruction.   Picture this:  You’re gently wrestling with the little guy, waving your hand in front of him.  The CLAWS come out and with lightning speed he punctures and hooks the tip of your pinkie.  If that’s not bad enough, you’re now trying to calm him down so he’ll release.  But he’s getting super p*ssed off because he can’t get his claw unhooked….from your flesh.  So he starts flailing his paw like a maniac in frustration.  I can now confirm the belief that the tips of your fingers are one of the most sensitive parts of your body.  But I forgave him, that was my fault.  I should have known better.  But what I won’t forgive him for is when I used to come home at night, he’d jump up on my dresser put his paws on my shoulders and start licking my chin.  I thought, okay, he’s trying to make up for the pinkie and the transfusion I needed.  But what I didn’t realize is that his was just tenderizing me.  After about 5 licks he sinks his four saber teeth into my chin.  The pain was so intense that it brought tears to my eyes and I almost lost consciousness.

Over the years we’ve lost some cleaning people, but we still have Jack the Cat….and he still has all of this teeth, paws, and claws.   We’re the only people in town who have a sign in front of their house that says, “Beware of Cat”